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Gone With The Wind

… We will all be. One day. Everyone knows that.

But we don’t see it even if it keeps staring right at our faces, day after day, year after year. We forget.

I lost 4 family members in the last 2 months. 3 of them, unexpectedly. 2 of them on the day after the auspicious ‘Diwali’. That was my hard fall to the ground. And a bitter yet important standing up.

We all know we need to live everyday to the full. Blah! We are probably even bored of it.

But, if we know that we’ll probably be gone with the wind in a swoosh, why not make the most of it. By maybe having to do a few unwanted things everyday. But definitely by doing some of the things we love doing daily. With all our heart.

From our jam packed calendars, let us find time everyday, even if just for 5 minutes, to do something that gives us joy that money can buy, lesson that a classroom can’t teach, peace that nothing else can give. Read, dance, run. Write, create, play. Sing. Something. Anything.

Because sometimes you don’t get the flashback you deserve. So why not make sure you don’t need one!

You never know. When you will just be – Gone with the wind.

P.S – I wrote today. I’m going to read something everyday. Yeah, those are my things! :)

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Which Sadness is Sadder

Is something I can never decide upon…

I am someone who gets all sentimental during movies and books. I cried while reading the ‘Kite Runner’, I cried for an hour when ‘Sirius died’, then Hedwig, Fred, Dobby & so many more. When I reached the point in ‘The Oath of the Vayuputras’ where Sati was about to die, I actually had to shut the book because I was not in a place where I could shed a tear (inside the metro). Senti much! And don’t even get me started on movies. Three Idiots gives me a constricted throat even today. Who else can cry in that movie! It was comedy no? I cried when I was watching ‘The Bucket List’. That one too :/

But today, I saw ‘My Sister’s Keeper’ (written by Jodi Picoult, now a motion picture) & I had to pause the movie where Kate walks up to her father before leaving for prom. I had to. You would know why if you watch the movie. (Do watch. Amazing it is) … This movie reminded me of a friend of mine, Akankshya. She was my junior at school. And she is someone I look up to because she is one of those who braved Leukemia with a smile and a maturity that people thrice her age do not possess. After watching the movie, I wrote to her:

Saw My Sister’s Keeper. Beautiful! At one point had to pause. I was crying so much. It reminded me of you.
 
There is so much more in the world that is heart breaking, painful, sad yet beautiful. And we cry about stupid things and useless stuff.
 
Sometimes I find it difficult to categorize grief. It’s like – No one can ever decide what problem is big enough to cry about… For how long! Is someone’s death the pinnacle of grief? Or simply breaking up is enough to keep crying. It is like- I can’t decide which sadness is sadder.

Everyday a 1000 thoughts and more run a marathon in my mind. Some run a 400m race, some do a 100m sprint & some have made a permanent home. Not all of them are happy thoughts (that’s okay! You gotta have balance in life). And the newspapers don’t help the cause either. Everything adds to the sad thoughts. I have not yet reached a stage where I can deeply contemplate the not so happy happenings of the world & end up being sad with all the problems around me; the issues of women safety, world poverty, ruthlessness etc etc.

I see people crying over broken relationships, things not happening the way they want it to be, their careers not working out, their plans not working out, their love lives not working out. Some are in grief because they cannot be with the person they love, some are in grief because they do not have a job & their life has come to a dangerous standstill, at the edge of a cliff from where a free fall could happen anytime, some are in grief because a lot in their life depends on how they fair in an exam, some are lamenting the loss of a loved one, some are fearing the loss of a loved one, some are in grief because they are suffering from financial or health problems, there are whole countries which are in grief… from where I see, everyone has some or other kind of grief in life. I belong to these ‘some people’ too.

I am wondering whether we can categorize it, or measure it? I am befuddled – how much grief should attract how much sadness? Which kind of sadness is more sadder? Can we really compare the griefs of two people? Losing a loved one hurts the same as having a break up or is it different? The realization that you will never have the ‘forever together’ thing with the person you love is more sad or knowing that a you need to give up and move on is more sad? Looking at all the pain and hurt in the world – should you be depressed or should you look at the happy moments and smile and be happy about it? This is one question to which I have never had the answer. But for now, and for always, I am going to believe the following :

I read somewhere that a loss is a loss. It does not matter whether you lost it to life or death, it would hurt equally. Why, then, is it said that – if everyone keeps their problems on a plate, you would withdraw yours very fast because you would realize that others have had it much harder? Maybe because it is all about – the place from where we see it. Maybe it is the magnitude and the number of people who suffer along with us – that is different. Maybe we need to see the whole picture. I know I am not saying anything new. I am just re-affirming my own belief by putting it in writing. But you know … it always works. Looking at someone else’s suffering when you can’t bear your own, makes your own grief seem kinda small in value. And this helps you overcome it.

But most importantly because, maybe it is true. So, while every grief hurts equally, I think that believing that others have had worse, or are going through worse, somewhere gives us the power & courage to face our problems; because this realization makes our problems look smaller in our own eyes. It makes us feel small for having cried over stuff that was absolutely capable of having moved on from. It makes us realize that – in the end, we are not alone. That there are millions who have suffered this along with us. That someone must have written about it, found a solution even if it is not one that soothes our heart most. I think categorizing or comparing is unjust. But we may make an effort towards overcoming it – even if we have to believe that we are better off. Someone else had worse.

And above all, I do believe that it is not really difficult to find rainbows in life. We just need to allow sunlight through those drops of grief and sadness that we mostly lock away in the darkest chambers of our heart. Because, it always could have been much worse than it already is. But it is not.

This is Akankshya’s post after I wrote to her today (This & more about how she braved Leukemia, her thoughts and life post cancer can be found on her blog. Do read..) – “My Sister’s Keeper & I”

P.S – Getting senti on not so senti movies and books is okay right? Can’t help it though :P  

In Retrospect… The last few months

The last few months, to be honest, have been quite eventful. A whirlwind ride… some absolutely wonderful new entries, some major setbacks… failures, successes…. in all, a memorable journey; an album worth watching in flashback…

Summing up those eventful events, in case I wish to get back to them. Which, I know i will :)

1) Made few wonderful friends… Friendships I will cherish for more than a lifetime.

2) Screwed the most important exam of my life… In the course, screwed a few other things that I should have cared for, for life… Bah !! Life’s most important exam is LIFE itself. And no body screws it :) even if they want to.

3) Found my long lost love, my writing coming back to me. One of the best things that happened so far. Wrote a few things that will keep inspiring me for days to come. Yes ! Some of my own pieces make me smile… :)

4) Learned the importance of caring for a few people more than yourself… learned the importance/ beauty of being meticulous in relationships. Total awesomeness.

5) It was pure chance and randomness that led to me understanding what I want to do in life. And thank God I understood… it makes a huge part of me hassle free, clears loads of things.

6) Learned that good things do happen; sometimes just out of the blue. Did well(better than expected I mean) in XAT. Unexpected. Got a call from XIMB. Even more unexpected… The story continues though… Wait for the upcoming points :)

 7) XIMB diaries- Slogged like anything to try and convert. But. Did. Not. :( …And, that is when I realised two very important truths about my life- There is a bigger plan for me and there is a 24×7 awesome friend for me :) … Dost, I promise lifetime servitude :)

8 ) Started working for the first time :) And I am absolutely loving the experience. Though, I do realise that I am not meant for it… Realizations galore !! :)

9) One of my best achievements, my Facebook Vocabulary group got deleted. Screw FB damn. It had 4000 members which we had religiously and laboriously accumulated over a period of one year. Bah !!.. Does this stop us ? NO… The Vocab Dhaba is very much there… and going strong :)

10) The latest one- took a decision. Not many liked it. But, thank God for giving me the strength to stick to it. I will make sure that it happens the way I have thought about it… Just be with me through thick and thin.

In short… in the last few months, I came to know who I really AM…

Just one suggestion- Finding yourself. It is the most exciting treasure hunt you can ever indulge into… much better than indulging yourself into the lesser intricacies of life.

Apologies…

Had not quite known; what it is, to bring disappointment on the faces where u wanted a 24×7 smile… a smile that was reflective of faith, pride, love, achievement… a smile, the reason behind which was: ME. Guess, the tables have turned now…

Needed to vent out; and this is the only place… An apology for all the failures.

Why Am I so important?
I don’t deserve it..
Only one request you had made
I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.

Your dreams, hopes, aspirations..
I stand no where
I have failed you miserably
This love, I don’t deserve…

The bouquet of lesser flowers
That I had meant for you…
I’m sorry I couldn’t make
That fragrance, that gift, reach you…

I don’t deserve your love
This one thing I couldn’t do for you…
I wanted so much… that I win for you
Alas! I didn’t want to loose you.

Apologies…

 

Between love and life…

Till a few days ago, I just admired these lines by Tennyson,

“I hold it true, whatever befalls, I feel it when I sorrow most…

It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.”

I know some of my friends reading this would want to check if I am running a temperature or not. Trust me, I am as fit as a fiddle. It’s just that, some things have made me realise the better side of these wonderfully youthful, beautiful and ‘life-ful’ lines.

Having always believed in the philosophy; “Always rise in love, never fall…” I refuse to accept that an emotion as serene as love (be it any kind of love- dreams, parents, friends, passions…lastly a boyfriend/ girlfriend…yes they are last on my list) can hold us down. At the end of the day, it is what we choose for ourselves. Loosing is never anything new. We loose all the time…

“Ek saans kho kar hi ek nayi saans milti hai naa…

us saans ke kho jaane mein hi bhalayi hai…

wo saans jaate jaate ek pal zindagi de jaati hai…”

It’s just what we make of that loss. Do we take a lesson? Or do we loose ourselves to the labyrinth of the timeless time?  And even when we manage ourselves out of that maze, do we make a sincere effort at not going back to those tangles…however enticing or promising they might sound? After all; everything that looks sentimental and cute is not love. Life teaches us something each moment. But only when we choose it above everything else. Don’t find life in love…find love in life. It could be anything; a dream, an idea, an ambition, a passion…

Love happens only when you are moving ahead…if you are going back, it’s a trap you have created for yourself. There can never be a choice between love and life…it is always life that encompasses everything. Choose life above everything else…love will happen somewhere on the way… :)

Beginning or End

read somewhere ages ago “to the most advanced mind, death is but the next great adventure”…being a kid at that time, i happened to like it. i still do. because, somewhere down the line, it is in congruence with the higher truths of life…

but then, for once i would like to be not a learned and matured but a normal human being. death is loss and i can’t ravish in it. ever. any mention of death reminds me of march, 2004, the black friday (not sure whether it was friday) of my life…and many more associated with me. i woke up all excited for it was holi that day quite unaware of the fact that i will perhaps never play holi in my life again.

i woke up to learn of a loss in the family…an early loss. details, not necessary. my life has never been the same since. changed in a way quite invisible to others. yet, what gets me thinking is the suffering part. who suffers more in a death? the one who died or the ones left behind? very difficult to answer. we are left to walk on the memory lane and behold the pictures of beautiful glimpses…of times well spent…of near life experiences. fair or unfair?

true u go back to where u came from. true you submerge into the higher self. true u came from the ashes and u went back to it. but, as much as i try, i cannot comprehend the predicament of those who go to collect the ashes…perhaps i don’t want to. i know, i have miles to walk before i understand certain things. “everything that is created has to get destroyed” sounds good but doesn’t make me feel good. not at the moment at least…the flashback is too strong…a veil that doesn’t allow me look beyond the mundane.

life gives u a chance at being a phoenix only till u are alive…not thereafter. i find it difficult to live with this loss now that i am reminded of it.

:(

i feel so afraid at times. all these exams i have taken…i realise that i don’t like any of it. this is not what i want to do…my music and my instrument have mismatched…big time. and m not liking it…at all.

where does my interest lie?…certainly not in solving stupidly useless mathematical problems…who cares if a pipe gets emptied in the umpteenth moment…sucker!! but, do i know what i want to do??…confusion hi confusion hai…solution kuch pata nahi…euugh!!!!..it’s a dirty feeling…

coz, i know i am failing a lot many people…a lot many expectations. i am sure i will do something worthy of my life…that eventually i will do what i want. if not the straight way then maybe after a detour. perhaps, what makes me more afraid is the fact that i might end up loosing some of the most prized people if i fail. as if, relationships depend on these trivial things…are they trivial? or does the dependence exist?…perhaps, it is more about me being able to face those people rather than they forgiving me…all they asked for is my success…and i wasn’t able to give it to them…scares the hell out of me…

then again, there is this feeling; that i should be working for my own self…not for anyone else…and then again there is this feeling: that fear is death…that i shouldn’t be afraid…these exams are no rocket science i know. anyone can do it with the right mind set…but what if this is not what i want to do…guess its too late for eliminating this wrong option.

i am sorry to all those whom i have failed and m failing…this is not what i wanted…pls don’t judge on the basis of my success on pen and paper…judge me as a human being.

to the few who matter the most…whom i can’t afford to loose

Prepared and Unprepared…

death is never painless and easy and beautiful. maybe the aftermath is. but no one dies painlessly. either one has to suffer. if you die unplanned, you don’t suffer but leave behind an unprepared lament of an unprecedented loss. but if you die on your deathbed, crumpled with old age, suffering every minute of your prolonged existence, marred by the disease called ‘ageing’. it is only you suffer. the only wish you have is that you were gone for good…gone so that the pain goes too. and you lessen the pain and suffering of your people.

but it’s really not worth the effort. for, this one last time you need to be selfish…you need to think of yourself and not the people you care for. dying at one go is really better. like having that one last wish…a painless exit to a beautiful existence ahead.

Tragic

the recent rail accident and the plane crash before….we have stunners everyday that dont allow us to recover from the previous shock before allowing a new one.

and even before the stench of flesh burns out, the political blame game begins. but what’s the use altogether…the lives lost will never come back, the families torn apart will never be together again…only bitter memories remain leaving behind a life long lament of the loss