i feel so afraid at times. all these exams i have taken…i realise that i don’t like any of it. this is not what i want to do…my music and my instrument have mismatched…big time. and m not liking it…at all.

where does my interest lie?…certainly not in solving stupidly useless mathematical problems…who cares if a pipe gets emptied in the umpteenth moment…sucker!! but, do i know what i want to do??…confusion hi confusion hai…solution kuch pata nahi…euugh!!!!..it’s a dirty feeling…

coz, i know i am failing a lot many people…a lot many expectations. i am sure i will do something worthy of my life…that eventually i will do what i want. if not the straight way then maybe after a detour. perhaps, what makes me more afraid is the fact that i might end up loosing some of the most prized people if i fail. as if, relationships depend on these trivial things…are they trivial? or does the dependence exist?…perhaps, it is more about me being able to face those people rather than they forgiving me…all they asked for is my success…and i wasn’t able to give it to them…scares the hell out of me…

then again, there is this feeling; that i should be working for my own self…not for anyone else…and then again there is this feeling: that fear is death…that i shouldn’t be afraid…these exams are no rocket science i know. anyone can do it with the right mind set…but what if this is not what i want to do…guess its too late for eliminating this wrong option.

i am sorry to all those whom i have failed and m failing…this is not what i wanted…pls don’t judge on the basis of my success on pen and paper…judge me as a human being.

to the few who matter the most…whom i can’t afford to loose